An initial
diversion . . . Interested in what's happening in Cataluña, and so
Spain? Click here for an overview from the US.
These, straining credulity, are
said to be 50 unbelievable facts about Spain.
A Spanish
teacher of 20 years' experience, invigilating an exam, was
alleviating his boredom by surfing porn sites on his laptop.
Unfortunately, this was connected to a large screen behind him,
presenting a severe 50 minute distraction to the pupils. The
school thought this was above and beyond the call of duty and 'let
him go'. Much against the wishes of the pupils, I imagine.
I'm sure
many of you realised that yesterday's Beatles link took you to a
tribute band – Them Beatles. Well, this is the real thing, in the
real Cavern. One of the sweatiest places on earth. And here's Kennedy
Center Memorial to Paul McCartney that's well worth a viewing.
Getting
her own back on me, my younger daughter has presented me with some
House Rules specially formulated for me:-
- Internet surfing to be confined to your bedroom, between the hours of 6am to 10am, 12 to 2pm, and 5p to 6pm
- Be quiet at nap time: 12-2pm
- Smartphone away!
- The surfaces to be wiped down after toast and porridge
- No setting tea-towels on fire
- Birthday and Christmas presents to make an early appearance
- No comments on how I do things with Gracie
- Only 10 sarcastic remarks a day.
You'd
think she'd had a tough life.
Finally .
. . On the theme of parenting, if you're a parent of a young child and aspire to be a BBF (best
friend for ever), you might find this article from today's Times
thought-provoking. Happily, my daughter doesn't need to read it. But I'll be
copying it to her anyway. Naturally, she doesn't read my blog. Dragon's teeth and all that. BTW . . . I have no difficulty with any of his recommendations for churning out decent kids:-
It’s
time to end the cult of the BFF parent
It was while
struggling, yet again, to get a look at a five-year-old’s sore
throat that Leonard Sax realised something was going seriously wrong
with the way parents were bringing up their children.
“The mum said to
her daughter, ‘Darling, is it OK for the doctor to look at your
throat?’ Of course, the girl said no, it wasn’t,” he recalls.
“Then what should have been a five-second manoeuvre starting with
‘Please open your mouth and say ahh’, turned into a five-minute
ordeal which only ended when the mum promised chocolate if she’d
open her mouth.”
Sax, a family GP and
psychologist in Philadelphia and the author of four books on parents
and education, says this kind of exchange has become wearyingly
common in the past 30 years because parents have lost authority and
would rather be a “best friend” to their children. But he
maintains that these BFF (best friend forever) parents are actually
harming their children by not giving them the security of clear
boundaries and rules for life. You can sense his frustration in the
title of his latest book, published in the UK last week: 'The Collapse
of Parenting'. “It’s not an over-statement,” he insists. “I
have personally seen families where parents ask five-year-olds what
they want for dinner, they reply pizza and ice cream and that’s
what they get. Or parents who do their 11-year-old son’s homework
while he’s playing computer games, or those who allow their teenage
daughter to stay up on social media until 1am. In those families I’d
argue there has been a collapse of parenting. Parents have become
confused about their role, and it’s becoming more common. Many are
almost comically incapable of speaking to children in a declarative
sentence. Everything is a question, as in ‘Would you like to eat
your broccoli?’ or ‘Do you think it’s time for bed?’”
As he sees it, we’re
guilty of giving far too many unconstrained choices (“What would
you like for dinner?” rather than “Which vegetable — broccoli
or peas?”) especially to very young children. “It sounds great to
give choice but for young children it’s not grounded in the reality
of child development,” he points out. “A five-year-old is not an
adult, and you can’t lay out the various options and ask them to
make a rational choice.” Even with older children, the results of
unconstrained choice are bad: you either have to make the unhealthy
dinner they requested or overrule them, which leaves them feeling
betrayed (like the girl with the sore throat whose opinion was sought
and — unavoidably — ignored, leading to a five-minute meltdown).
Pleading with our
children is another sign of the BFF parent: “Please, please go to
bed/start your revision/eat your dinner.” “A parent should not
plead with a child,” says Sax firmly. “It undermines authority.
When you expect your child to do something, most of your sentences
should end in a full stop.”
He says he can see
why it has happened: we’re reacting against our unquestioningly
strict 1970s upbringing and instead trying to be fair and decent, to
cultivate independence and critical thinking. It seems outdated to be
raising obedient automatons. “The idea of obedience and creating
hierarchy seems politically incorrect and old-fashioned — as it
should be when we’re talking about relationships of adults with
adults,” says Sax. “But in relationships between parents and
children, there has to be hierarchy: it’s the job of parents to
teach their child the rules of the culture they live in.”
If we don’t, we
create a culture of disrespect towards adults, which he says is now
pervasive among middle-class children in the US. “It’s
infiltrated even the most elite schools: children who are feigning
membership of gangs and adopting the hand symbols and clothes because
it’s ‘cool’; teenagers who see their parents as neither
authoritative parents nor as friends but as clueless and pathetic
morons who are useful only in an instrumental sense, as providers of
money and clothes. If you set out to be your child’s best friend,
you are unlikely to succeed either as a friend or as a parent. You
are bending the parent-child relationship in a way that nature never
intended.”
He argues that this
loss of parental authority results in fragile children with inflated
egos who give up at the slightest setback and are ill-equipped for
adult life. They look to their peer group for approval and their
sense of identity instead, which creates anxiety because friendships
are by nature more transient and unreliable than the unconditional
love you get from parents.
You can see the
results in the statistics, he maintains. One of the first casualties
of a decline in authority is healthy eating (33 per cent of American
children are overweight or obese), followed by behavioural problems,
lack of sleep, and depression and anxiety, which have spiralled among
teenagers. “You also see it in the huge growth in the number of
young adults who leave or drop out of university and return to live
with parents: young people whose dreams don’t come through, who
then give up, return home to be supported by their parents and
retreat into their bedrooms and play computer games.”
Sax believes the
problem is worse in the US, but is becoming more prevalent in the UK;
he agrees with Jenny Brown, head of St Albans High School for Girls,
who warned in November that parents who wanted to be their teenager’s
best friend were damaging their confidence and life chances.
“Many parents now
perceive a tension between ‘strict’ and ‘loving’,” says
Sax. “They don’t think you can be both so they’d rather be a
friend figure to their child.” He points to extensive research —
especially one study following 20,000 US children from the age of 12
to adulthood — that shows children with authoritative (not
authoritarian) parents are likely to do better in school, less likely
to have problems with alcohol, drugs or unsafe sex, and go on to have
happier romantic relationships.
Sax believes he has
hit a nerve with the book. He has had emails and letters of support
from those who work with children — teachers, psychologists and
doctors — thanking him for speaking out. “They’ve said — at
last, it’s so welcome to see someone saying these things who is
citing pages and pages of research rather than just venting an
opinion.” He believes parents can reassert their authority and see
changes in their child’s behaviour in six weeks with some simple
changes:
Make teenagers go
on family outings
If a teenager
refuses to go on a family holiday or day’s outing on the ground
that “it’s sooo boring”, it’s tempting to concede, not least
because we believe we are helping them by stepping back and letting
them decide for themselves.
However, that’s wrong, says Sax. “It
seems harsh to say, ‘Sorry you don’t like hill walking but you’re
coming anyway,’ but that’s what you must say because having fun
together is the foundation of family life. Your kids need to value
time with you and they can’t do that if they rarely spend any time
with you doing fun stuff.” We shouldn’t invite their friends to
holiday with us, either, he says. “The main purpose of a holiday
should be to strengthen the bonds between parents and children, not
to give the kids an expensive play date.” He advises creating
weekly bonding rituals: walking to the coffee shop, shopping, sport.
And keep in close touch with the wider family to connect your
children to their culture.
Cancel some of
their after-school activities
Extracurricular
activities are positive but too many can leave children thinking that
what you are is what you do. “It’s all about boosting the ego and
inflating the self. “So many parents I know are stretched thin with
work and chores, yet are ferrying their child to every activity. It’s
as if they want to say, ‘Look at me, I’m a successful
professional and a great parent’. I’d say, don’t push your
child to live her life as though she’s continually preparing her
college application: it’s not living, it’s performing. The
priorities should be free time, relaxation, family meals, good
conversation and listening to others.” All psychologists sing the
praises of the family meal, but you don’t have to be the Waltons.
Sax points to
a Canadian study
tracking 26,000 adolescents and how often they ate meals with their
parents: behaviour improved and anxiety levels fell with each tiny
increase in the number of weekly meals shared. “Every meal you take
together brings benefits, so parents need to fight [with their
employer] for time with their child: your kids can’t attach to you
if they never see you.”
Don’t be
afraid to make them unpopular
If your 12-year-old
is the only one not allowed to play the computer game Call of Duty
(rated 16 or 18), it’s tempting to give in so as not to alienate
them from their friends. “I hear parents say, ‘I’m just trying
to find the right balance here,’ as if they are choosing between
strict and loving,” says Sax. “Sometimes to be strict is to be
loving, especially when you are protecting them from violent games.”
Research from the University of Virginia shows that cool kids at 13
were more likely to run into problems by 23. They had a 45 per cent
higher rate of alcohol/drug problems and were worse at getting along
with others. “Helping your child become kind, well-behaved and
self-controlled is important; your child being popular with peers is
not.”
Self-control
matters as much as self-esteem
The best predictor
of future happiness and life satisfaction when a child is 11 is not
high self-esteem or even IQ or academic achievement, but self-control
and conscientiousness, according to several large-scale studies. “How
do you teach it? You say to an eight-year-old, ‘No pudding until
you eat your vegetables’, or to your teenager, ‘No social media
until you’ve done your homework’,” says Sax. Chores are
essential: “In affluent families you see parents hiring landscape
gardeners, cleaners and housekeepers because their kids’ time is
far too precious to spend on menial tasks when they can be preparing
for exams to get them to the right school or college. That can easily
morph into the unintended message that you are too important, which
inflates the already bloated self-esteem that characterises many
American children.” Chores should start at the age of three or
four, he maintains. They should be useful jobs that contribute to
family life and you should teach them properly so you don’t have to
redo their work.
Limit social
media
It’s unrealistic
and unfair to expect a 14-year-old girl to regulate the time she
spends on social media. “What does she say when her friend says,
‘Why didn’t you like the picture I put up (at midnight)?’ She
has to be able to say, my evil parents locked my phone away at 9.30
so I could go to bed. We have to be the bad guys here: the parent not
the friend.” He says parents should make greater efforts to learn
more about what their children are doing online. He laments the
passing of the traditional teenage girl’s pastime of writing a
diary. “A diary involved writing at length, it was private, it was
about finding out who you are. Social media is about performing,
entertaining people. For some kids, that performance never ends,
which is very damaging to long-term mental wellbeing.”
Enjoy the time
you spend with your child
It’s telling that
when professional working women in the US were asked by researchers
to rate their enjoyment of various activities, at the top were
socialising outside work, supper/lunch and exercising. Time with
children came in at number 14, even below housework. That might be
because mothers (more than fathers) are trying to multitask —
answering work emails while playing half-attentively — Sax
believes. “It’s no fun for anyone: when you’re with your child,
focus on your child, which means no devices for either of you, no
screens at dinner or in restaurants and no headphones in the car,”
says Sax, who says he always tries to take his nine-year-old daughter
outside when they have free time together so he’s not tempted to
sneak a look at his phone.
Teach humility
Telling your
children how amazing they are has its roots in good intentions: we
know how hard it will be for them to succeed and want to build them
up.
However, the culture of self-esteem can lead to disappointment
and resentment later when reality hits and they’re 25, working for
the minimum wage and still living at home. “Soaring self-esteem in
childhood and adolescence, carefully nurtured by parents and
teachers, predictably leads to a crash after university, typically
about three to five years after graduation when it slowly dawns on
the young adult that they are not as talented as they thought,”
says Sax. The best antidote is to teach children humility: listening
to other people, being interested in what others say before giving
your own opinions and being willing to give something a go even if
you might fail at it. These attributes foster a “can-do”,
resilient attitude.
Don’t allow
disrespect
“I’ve heard many
parents say, ‘When my teenager talks back to me or is disrespectful
I try to see that in a positive light — as a sign she is becoming
more independent’,” says Sax. “But this is a misconception —
it’s not the same as true independence of thought.” He says
parents should come down hard on disrespectful language (“shut up”
and swearing at parents/siblings). Instead, cultivate proper
independent thinking by encouraging dinnertime/in-car debates about
current affairs or music; listen respectfully to your child’s
position then state why you don’t agree. Stay away from personal
topics. “The point of the exercise is to develop the skill of
disagreeing respectfully, building independence without hostility.
Once that skill is honed you and your teenager should be able to
navigate more personal disagreements .”
Redirect them
towards fulfilling pastimes
If your child spends
hours a week on video games, uploading pictures to Instagram or
watching YouTube, don’t be afraid to redirect their attention to
something more educational/fulfilling. “Parents have said to me: ‘I
know he plays 20 hours of World of Warcraft a week but it’s
something he’s good at and I just want him to be happy.’ But that
is confusing happiness with pleasure,” says Sax. “The pleasure
derived from a video game may last weeks or even months but it will
not last many years: the boy either moves on to something else or the
happiness undergoes a malignant transformation into addiction.”
Research shows real happiness comes from fulfilment, living up to
your potential, he says, so it’s the job of a parent to redirect
their child’s attention and restrict the amount of time spent on
satisfaction of immediate desires (usually screens).
Enforce bedtimes
“In every age
group, children are sleeping less than the recommended levels, and
the older they are the more sleep-deprived they are likely to be,”
says Sax. American ten-year-olds get 9.1 hours a night, at 15 they
get 7.3 and at 17 just 6.9. (The recommendations are 10+ for 6 to
12-year-olds and nine hours at 13-18). He believes this is because
parents have lost authority in determining bedtimes, allowing teens
to take mobile phones and tablets to bed. Parents are sympathising
with teens who complain they will be left out of the group if they’re
not allowed to “chat” until 1am rather than confiscating their
phones to prioritise sleep, he says. It’s now somehow expected for
teens to have their way on this, he says. “When the American
Academy of Pediatrics released new recommendations in 2013 that no
screens should be in children’s bedrooms, there was a somewhat
scornful response circulating with the hashtag #goodluckwiththat. Why
have parents ceded control here?”
“The Collapse of
Parenting” by Leonard Sax, Basic Books.
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