If you’re looking to get your kid into one of the better state schools in Spain – especially a private one part-funded by the state – these are the ‘best tricks’ you’re encouraged to specialise in:-

- Present a false medical certificate [from a doctor friend, presumably], claiming congenital or ‘acquired’ incapacity

- Under-declare your income in your first declaration to the tax authorities, followed up by a complementary one. Give only the first one to the school.

- Rent a house or ‘borrow’ one from a friend so as to get town-hall registration in the relevant area

- Register as an employee of a local business, completing false social security forms

- Pretend that your child has a chronic illness of the digestive, endocrine or metabolic system, requiring a special diet.

- Claim to be divorced when you’re not

I’m obliged to an article in yesterday’s El Mundo for this information. Interestingly – and ironically - the paper refrained this week from promoting some fraudulent snake-oil product. Perhaps my regular exposés have got the Andalucian company on the run. . .

I must also thank El Mundo for this editorial comment on the legislation of a year ago which appears to have prevented a significant number of mortalities on Spanish roads:- It’s not a panacea, it’s unpopular and clearly improvable but what’s certain is there were 450 fewer deaths on our roads than in the previous 12 months. The paper goes on to regret the blossoming of companies which help you, when caught, to drive a horse and carriage through the legislation and to express the commendable hope this will soon be remedied. Vamos a ver.

But there was one comment in the paper which rather grated with me . . . Today sees the start of Portugal’s turn as President of the EU, during which the text of the reforms for a community of 27 will be finalised, always provided the ever-reluctant Poles and Brits don’t re-open wounds. Of course, it’s understandably hard to find any criticism of the EU in Spain but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone in the UK felt obliged to answer that, while it’s passé on the Continent to mention the EU’s democratic deficit or to want the EU to fulfil its original commitment to free trade and competition, there might also be room for complaint that Spain re-negotiated grants for 2007-13 which are not justified by its current wealth and its rank as the 8^th economy in the world. But it wouldn’t be me, as I’m here in Spain. The real irony, of course, is that Poland’s stubborn refusal to accept revised voting rules benefited Spain as much as Poland. But I can't say I've seen any complaints about this in the Spanish media. The closest anyone got to this was the leader of the opposition criticising the Spanish PM for being 'passive'. Why not, for God's sake!

Finally, the question has been raised - not by me! - of why the Spanish are so poor at learning languages, especially English. I can’t give a definitive statement but I have often alluded to the 19^th century emphasis on grammar here. As if to prove the point, a friend of mine has just achieved the highest level of English taught at our College of Languages, passing both the written and the oral tests. She was the only candidate to show an ability to actually speak English, born of her business in dealing with British clients. Everyone else failed the oral exam. And will go on doing so for the rest of their lives, never achieving a diploma. What a preposterous waste.

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