Tuesday, January 17, 2012

 Here's a rather provocative Lexicon. I found it on my laptop, so I guess I wrote it. Not to be taken too seriously

English - A language you master the grammar of and then slaughter when you speak it


Translation - A task you give to a relative rather than pay a few hundred euros.

Zebra crossing - Pedestrian - Something you only use if there's a certainty that any oncoming driver is not only looking at you but is also within his braking distance.

Neighbours' garage - Something to park in front of, blocking both ingress and egress.

Roundabout/Circle - A mechanism by which the maximum number of both domestic and, especially, foreign drivers can be rendered confused.

Family member - Anyone from whom you think you can beg or borrow money

Friend - Anyone you've met in a bar in the last 24 hours.

Commitment - A promise to do something which you will do unless something better comes along.

Stranger - Someone who doesn't exist and, therefore, to whom you owe no duty of care or consideration whatsoever.

Traffic indicators - Lights for indicating that your car isn't really where it appears to be and so can't be causing an offence.

TV - 1. Something on which you can watch "Radio with pictures"
       2. A machine for creating noise in a bar, causing the customers to shout even louder than normal.

Fiesta - A reason for having yet another day off. Or possibly two or even three, depending on how close to a weekend the fiesta falls.

Rules - Behaviour guidelines which apply to other people, in one degree or another. See also 'Laws'.

Pavements/Sidewalks - Strips of land for you to ride your bike on, preferably recklessly so that young kids are endangered.

Noise - Nothing to concern yourself with. Make as much as you like.

Children - Little adults who are allowed to do whatever they like.

Personal space - A concept unknown in Spain.

Parking - The means by which you can scratch all four corners of your car.

Parking bays - A rough indication of where you might park. Can be safely ignored.

Conversation - Talking both loudly and simultaneously.

3 comments:

Candide said...

Brilliant.

If I may add, what you say about translation as of late also applies to photography, video and journalism.

Anthea said...

Now, how much of that also applies to Headingley?

I migh add, "Mobile phone - a device you shout (and usually swear)into so that everyone else on the bus shares your communication."

Colin said...

Belatedly . . Many thanks, Candide.

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