Sunday, March 10, 2013

It was Mothers' Day here in Britain today. Or Mothering Sunday, as we used to call it before we came under the sway of US cultural hegemony.

So here, courtesy of a friend who sent it to me, is an appropriate but anonymous hymn to mothers everywhere:-

Why  I Owe My Mother ....  **************************************
  
1.  My mother  taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE  .

  
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 
 
2.  My mother taught me RELIGION 

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

3.  My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

4. My mother taught me  LOGIC

"Because I said so, that's why."

  5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC   .
 
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 6.  My mother taught me FORESIGHT 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

7.  My mother taught me  IRONY .  
 
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8.  My mother taught me about the science of  OSMOSIS 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9.  My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM  .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 

10.  My mother taught me about STAMINA  ... 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11.  My mother taught me about WEATHER  .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother  taught  me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once,  I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

 13.  My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE  

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION 

"Stop acting like your father!" 

15.  My mother taught me about ENVY 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you  do." 

16.  My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION  

"Just wait until we get home."

17.  My mother taught me about RECEIVING   ..  
 
"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get  stuck that way."

19.  My mother taught me ESP .
  
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

20.  My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

21.  My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT 
 
"If you don't eat your  vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

22.  My mother taught me   GENETICS

"You're just like your father." 

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS 
"Shut that door behind you. Do you  think you were born in a barn?" 

24. My mother taught me   WISDOM

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

And my favorite:
  
25.  My   mother taught me about JUSTICE .  

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope  they turn out just like you!"

But, there is one missing from this list . . . . My personal all time favorite!!

My   mother taught me about CHOICE .

"Do you want me to stop this car?"

I did, of course, give these to my mother to read and, as she finished, suggested she'd uttered most of them in her time. "No," she said firmly. "All of them."

Which wasn't totally true as, never having driven a car, she didn't understand the last one.

4 comments:

trebots said...

I've never thought of Dryden as a Yankee:

When winter's rage abates, when cheerful hours
Awake the spring, and spring awakes the flowers,
On the green turf thy careless limbs display,
And celebrate the mighty Mother's day;
For then the hills with pleasing shades are crowned,
And sleeps are sweeter on the silken ground:
With milder beams the sun securely shines;
Fat are the lambs, and luscious are the wines.


I remember a time when un-fact-checked articles were the exclusive preserve of salaried columnists.

Colin said...

Yea, well. He used that form to that his line would scan.

You either have too much time on your hands. Or a great memory for verse.

Or both.

Possibility:

Use to be A in the UK
Taken up by the US colonists
Morphed into B in the UK only.
Changed back to A under the sway of the US cultural hegemony driven by the now ex-colonists.

Who knows? And, anyway, what are facts?

"What is truth?" said Pilate, and departed laughing . . . .

Azra said...

I blogged about these too, once upon a time :)

I don't understand why the British celebrate Mother's Day weeks earlier than the rest of the world (well, SA and the USA and most of us anyway). Our Father's Days always coincide though.

Colin said...

It's because we go back a lot further.

At least you kept our driving laws!

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